Not Another Love Song
by tromana
Summary: An exploration of a relationship through music. Or, I wanted to do the 10 Songs challenge again. Jane/Lisbon


**A/N** So, I did the ten song drabble challenge thing again. I couldn't get writing otherwise and that was frustrating me. Hah. Things should be better soon - I have some things I need to get planning and to start writing soon. Because you know, I never have enough to write.

x tromama

* * *

**Title: **Not Another Love Song**  
****Author: **tromana  
**Rating: **T  
**Characters: **Jane/Lisbon  
**Summary: **An exploration of a relationship through music. Or, I wanted to do the 10 Songs challenge again.  
**Disclaimer: **Not mine  
**Spoilers: **General S2

**Not Another Love Song**

I

She picks up some dust and allows it to run through her fingers.

So much has happened and it's still not over, however much she wishes it is. Playing by the rules isn't working and for the first time in a long while, Teresa Lisbon doubts whether or not the rule book actually has all the answers. Red John is as elusive as ever, like some kind of super villain from a cartoon.

And who is she? The incompetent cop trying to do everything within her limited powers to apprehend him. It's like banging her head against a brick wall, drawing blood out of a stone. An impossibility. Like she's an insignificant insect, trying to fight against the rest of the world.

And now Jane's…

She stands.

Someone has to try and be the hero now.

_I've done a lot, God knows I've tried  
To find the truth, I've even lied  
But all I know is down inside I'm bleeding.  
_-Super Heroes, _from The Rocky Horror Show_

II

She drops her purse in a chair and approaches him slowly.

Jane takes a while to notice and when he eventually does, folds over his newspaper and eyes her quizzically. It's taken her a long while to learn, but she's finally managing to make herself unreadable. She's a private person and used to say everything in her body language rather than with words. He smirks to himself, knowing full well that she'd probably find it a blessed relief to know that he cannot tell everything with a brief glance anymore.

She tucks a hair behind her ear, possibly a suggestive action but it's also likely that it is simply annoying her. Her hair is getting long now, always in the way and desperately in need of a trim. Just because she's had the time to learn how to disguise her emotions, it doesn't mean she's not a martyr to her work anymore and therefore has times for trivialities such as hair cuts.

"Lisbon?"

"Let's go."

The look in her eye suggests it's not a case she has in mind.

_I have faltered, I have stumbled  
__I have found my feet again  
__I've been angry and I've been shaken  
__Found a new place to begin  
_-In This Life, _Delta Goodrem_

III

She moans against your mouth as your hands roam underneath her shirt, fingernails dragging against tender flesh. It's been long - too long - since you were last in this situation. Then again, that's just your fault, isn't it? You were the one who decided that you should lead a celibate lifestyle, in reverence to your deceased wife.

Oh of course you've always known that the persistent brunette pushing her body flush against yours is physically attractive, even with her shields of a badge, gun and those pesky rules. She tries to play it down, to maintain her authority and professionalism, but it doesn't quite work. Nor does it help that Teresa Lisbon doesn't like being messed with and thus, making you push her further. You like seeing what makes her tick.

But you never thought you'd end up in this position. Certainly not before Red John…

You stop that train of thought, or rather, she drags you out of it. The nip of teeth demanding entrance to your mouth and the swipe of her tongue is enough for that.

This is one thing you can't control.

It's time to place your trust entirely into her hands and let her take the lead.

She'll like that.

_Feel it falling off like clothing  
Taste it rolling on your tongue  
See the lights above you glowing  
Oh and breathe them deep into your lungs  
It was always simple, not hidden hard  
You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings  
And you've had enough  
_-Steer, _Missy Higgins_

IV

He collapsed to his knees, whispering quietly to the body and she hung at the door frame, not wanting to disturb him. Lisbon knew this was going to happen. The moment she heard the words 'Red John' from Hightower, she knew that Jane was going to break all over again, simply because he always did. And between cases involving the serial killer, she spent half her time doing her actual job and half her time trying to put him back together again. It was a thankless task, but she had to do it because if she didn't no one else would.

And where would that leave him? Back in a mental institution, trying to make sense of a senseless life? Or something worse? She shuddered slightly, trying not to think about it. All the alternatives were too bleak to consider.

Besides, they had to keep up the hope, didn't they? Because if they gave up, then he'd win. And she wasn't going to let that happen any time soon. Just because she was a cynic, it didn't mean she couldn't have some hope still.

"Jane?" she whispered. There was only so long she could let him stay in there alone, apologizing to a corpse for his failures. They needed to get in there, to sift through the rubbish for some precious evidence. Besides, the CSI lot were getting a little edgy.

He turned, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.

"I need your help. With finding Red John," he muttered, "I can't do it on my own."

She'd been waiting _years _for him to finally say that.

_I'm limited  
Just look at me, I'm limited  
__And just look at you, you can do all I couldn't do, Glinda  
So now it's up to you, for both of us  
Now it's up to you  
_-For Good, _from Wicked_

V

He watches her carefully.

She's different at the moment.

Hardly surprising - it's not every day you're accused of murder.

He wants to help her, really, he does. But he knows what she's like all too well. If she doesn't want to talk, it just gets worse and worse until she explodes.

It's just what she's like.

She has to be the lone wolf, to fight the lonely battle.

He can't decide whether or not she did actually do it. Not yet, anyway. There's too much in the air right now and not enough solid facts.

It is possible - she's more than capable of doing so. She knows how to shoot to kill and has had to stomach it time and time again in the past. He's even been there when she's done it before and seen her haunted expression just after it happened.

But it's one thing killing to protect what you love - family, friends, the state of California and another thing entirely to do so in cold blood.

However, if she refuses to let him in right now as she has done beforehand, there's nothing he can do to help her. Regardless of whether or not she's guilty.

Instead, all he can do is watch as she sinks into a pit of despair, the hurt and betrayal obvious in her every action.

And he hates that.

_I can see you're hurting  
You wear it like a coat of armor  
You closed your eyes and chose your battleground  
And there's no way through you  
Cause I'm still over here and you're still over there  
_-Twisting the Chain, _Lucie Silvas_

VI

She sips at her coffee and you lets out a heavy sigh.

You know what she's doing. Again.

Lisbon is far too optimistic, hopeful for her own good sometimes. As far as she's concerned, she's capable of saving anybody from anything. Always so eager to play the hero, even at the sacrifice of her own health. Just to make sure they're happy, regardless of whether or not they actually deserve it.

And yeah, yeah, it's obvious she's always liked you and while you wouldn't mind, in another time, another place, another Universe, it bothers you here.

Because you can't fit into her idealistic life, however much she desperately wants you to. It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round circle. It'll never fit properly.

You're far too broken, regardless of what she thinks.

It would be far more sensible for her to get off that damn high horse for a while and just let you both get on with your jobs instead.

Because there's no point in dragging you both down, is there?

_You sound so innocent, all full of good intent  
Swear you know best  
But you expect me to jump up on board with you  
And ride off into your delusional sunset  
_-King of Anything, _Sara Bareilles_

VII

She's flirting with him.

Flutters her eyelashes as she allows a lazy finger to trail its way along the rim of the wine glass. All wide, innocent eyes and giggling coquettishly at all the right moments.

This isn't the Lisbon he knows and it's annoying him.

She shouldn't feel the need to do this to impress a man, she's more than capable of doing that without this mask.

No.

Wait.

Yeah, maybe she does. Any man worth his weight would be sent running in the other direction if they saw Lisbon with a gun in hand and the steely gaze normally present in her eyes when she's talking down a suspect.

Then again, he's not even sure why it's bothering him so much.

He knows this is all part of the act, the ploy into getting Harper to spill his guts and confess everything. Then they can wheel him back to CBI headquarters and charge him with the murder of two innocent teenage girls.

She looks triumphant as he says the key words and that means the rest of the team can come in all guns blazing. That this will be over imminently.

Still, it's a side of her he was unfamiliar with and frankly he doesn't want to see it again any time soon. The fact that he can imagine her doing this whenever she needs a break sends shivers down his spine. And though it's nice to know she can win over a man if she chooses to, he much prefers his Lisbon.

_His_.

_She's an angel but she sins sometimes  
Dressed in white  
Gets drunk on red wine  
_-Alisha Rules The World, _Alisha's Attic_

VIII

Her throat hurts, hoarse from shouting.

She wants to love him, to trust him, to do everything that anybody in a normal relationship would do. Of course, she knew that anything with Patrick Jane wouldn't be normal, but she always had that hope.

But hope wasn't enough to heal a relationship that was doomed from the start.

Lisbon knows that she had been putting her all into it and it just isn't working. Not anymore.

It isn't that she is competing with a ghost, she could deal with that. Jane's first wife is always going to be important to him and she was never aiming to replace her.

Competing with _Red John _is just too much though.

It's the fact that he made all these promises and has proceeded to break one by one that is killing her.

She could give him one more chance, let him try and make it up to her. Fall head over heels and let her heart get broken all over again.

It wasn't fair. Every once in a while, somebody needed to do something for themselves.

And this is her, doing that.

No more being second best.

_Baby what you shouting for, I cant hold on anymore  
__I loved you once I loved twice  
__We set out on the wrong track, one step forward two steps back  
__That was then this is now  
_-Did I?, _Natalie Anderson_

IX

He's meant to be good at this.

At saying sorry without actually saying it.

It's almost what he's famous for.

There's been so many times when he's needed to apologize for disobeying direct instructions, putting people in unnecessary danger, for hurting her.

But this? This is beyond anything he's ever done.

How exactly do you say 'I'm sorry for breaking your heart'?

This isn't something you can slap a band-aid on and hope that it'll disappear given time. No, this has completely destroyed her.

And why?

Because he just had to go and kill Red John simply because he couldn't see that he had a good thing right in front of him.

Of course, now he sees it. Not that he regrets killing Red John, far from it, in fact. It didn't bring back his wife or child, but it has brought him a twisted sort of closure.

He just didn't realize at the time that the cost would be Lisbon's happiness and only now he knows that was just too high a cost.

Another piece of paper lands up screwed up, doomed to litter his floor for the foreseeable future.

_A letter he wrote  
But it's far too expose so he throws it away  
The sound of regret as it's counting the steps back to safe  
_-Perfume and Promises, _Idina Menzel_

X

It's strange to revisit hope after abandoning it for so very long.

Hope can come in the strangest of ways.

And finding it in somebody accidentally spilling a glass of lemonade isn't exactly the most normal, but it'll do for you.

It's just the fact that Lisbon always seems so careful, so competent, so well put together that it takes you off guard. Of course, she manages to laugh it off, just about. Were it to happen in front of the others, she'd probably be deeply humiliated rather than just faintly embarrassed.

But the fact is, bad things can happen to anyone. There's nothing you can do about it. You can spend your life wallowing in self-pity (as you have done until now) or you can try and do something about it (like her).

You can't love her, not yet, but that might well come. One day. If you're lucky.

Just knowing (hoping) that she'll be in your life for a long while to come brings you the greatest relief of all.

_For you there'll be no crying  
__For you the sun will be shining  
_'_Cause I feel that when I'm with you  
__It's alright, I know it's right  
_-Songbird, _Eva Cassidy_


End file.
